How to Have 548 Friends on Facebook

I was going to title this “How to Have 542 Friends on Facebook”.  I am proud to say that, since the idea for this blog, I have 6 more people to brag about.

Many of you may be wondering, “How can I be so popular?  How can I have so many friends?”  Others of you, like my grandmother, for example, who has 863 friends, may already have clicked out of this blog.  (By the way, I’m not making that up.  Except, since she is my grandmother, she won’t exit my blog without actually reading it.  I don’t think.  Right?  You’re still there, right, Grandma?)

For anyone who might still be reading because they have less than 548 friends or because they simply feel sorry for me, I’d like to point out the tips I have used to build a successful facebook empire.

  • Friend friends of friends.  Try to choose people whose faces look kind, so they will feel bad about rejecting your invitation, or people who look absent-minded, so that they’ll probably accept your friend request without even thinking about it.
  • Go after friends of friends of friends.  Don’t ask petty questions like, “Do I know this person?  Could they be a well-known bank robber?” but instead “How likely will they be to turn me into the facebook police if I friend them and they figure out we don’t actually know each other?”
  • Find celebrities.  They like facebook numbers, too.  (This is kinda like the birds that clean the alligators’ teeth.  The alligators tolerate it because they don’t have to buy dental insurance.)
  • Make it your job to hunt down the long lost friends and relatives of other people.  They’ll be so grateful they’ll want to be your friends.
  • At church, bring a clipboard and sign-up sheet and ask everyone to write their full name as it appears on facebook.
  • Follow a vaccuum salesman around.
  • I’m about out of tips.  If you need more, you might check with my grandmother.

There was a time in my life when I was lonely, lonely, lonely.

And now I love my 548 facebook friends.

I love friends.

But there’s one friend who is galaxies above.  A friend who loves me whether I have 548 friends or 863 friends or 0 other friends.  A friend who loved me long before there was even a facebook, as a matter of fact.  A friend who loved me even back when I was a teenager so lonely I posted on internet Beanie Baby forums to feel like I could be a part of something and belong.

A friend who loved me enough to give His life to make a way back to Him, when I’d been the one who’d ended our communication.  A friend who never disappoints me, never betrays me, never lies to me, never tricks me, and never breaks His promises to me.  A friend who never abuses me, never misuses me, and never refuses to love me, even when I don’t deserve it (which, you know, is always).

A friend who gives to me, forgives me, restores me, and resurrects me.

My friend, Jesus Christ.

Unlike my other friends, Jesus loved me when I was unlovable.  When I was the one who turned away, Jesus gave His life to give me a way back to Him.

I would trade all 548 of my facebook friends for Jesus Christ in a New York minute, not because I don’t care about them, but because Jesus is the key to loving anyone.  And through Him, I am able to be a friend to others—not just a friend who clicks a button—but a friend who loves, cares, and gives.  As any of my friends can tell you, I’m far, far from the perfect friend.  But I know the perfect Friend, and it’s in sharing this mysterious, incredible, divine Friendship that I become a true friend to others.

There was a time, there really was a time, when I thought my value was in how many friends I had or at least how much they loved me.

But now I see my value is in the Friend, and He’s not giving me up.

And if He won’t give me up—the person who looked for love in Beanie Baby forums—believe me when I tell you, He won’t give you up, either.  But He won’t force you to be His friend–that’s not friendship.  You must want to give Him your heart.  And if you ever do give Him your heart, you will find there is nothing so beautiful as His.

there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24b, ESV)

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