I had a dream. A dream for a pumpkin.
I wanted the pumpkin I picked out to turn into a carriage.
I wanted the carriage to whisk me away on a surprise getaway to a castle.
This is the story of the pumpkin that didn’t turn into a carriage.
But it’s really the story of desiring the pumpkin–
–and thinking you are really desiring the carriage.
* * * *
I wanted to move to Georgia. It was a whim, yes, but it was more than just a whim.
I have friends that live in Georgia.
I visited a strong Baptist church while I was there.
I had an open invitation to join an active young singles group in that church.
There were passionate believers in that group.
I had a real hope of the possibility of meeting someone and the ache of singleness fading.
And, besides, I love warmer climates.
A Whole Foods was in driving distance and I could have all kinds of choices of cuisine without High Fructose Corn Syrup, even bakery goodies.
And I wanted to land a job at an incredible, incredible Christian private school I toured (and applied at).
-I so wanted my dream.-
It was my pumpkin-going-to-turn-into-a-carriage. I’d picked it out, and I was pointing at it and praying God would agree.
While I was in Georgia, as I shared my intense longing with a dear friend, he referenced Psalm 37:4.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4, NIV)
I hoped, oh I hoped, that my friend’s mentioning of this passage was a sign. A sign of a future where I would be in sunny Georgia, where I hoped it stayed light outside for far longer than Missouri, and where I hoped it was at least 75 in the winter. I longed to be a part of the young single’s group and maybe even restart my own youth. I wanted to be a part of the church that had branches of ministry, leaves of fellowship, a trunk of solid teaching, and strong, deep roots of faith.
One of my favorite Christian apologists actually taught a class at the church.
I wanted to belong to friends in Georgia.
I wanted a little house with sunny, sunny skies.
And I longed to teach at that Christian school.
I tried very hard in the interview to put my best foot forward. I knew it was a way-out-there chance. I was out-of-state; couldn’t interview from Missouri very easily; and they weren’t even hiring. But still, my heart tried to nudge through any opening I could find. In college, I’d dreamed of teaching in a school just like this one, and I wanted, wanted, wanted that job. The job I had already was an extravagant blessing, you understand, but this was a pumpkin-turned-into-carriage once-in-a-lifetime sort of opportunity.
And I hoped, hoped, hoped God would see that I’d found the future I wanted in the pumpkin patch.
I pleaded with God. I didn’t know what else to do. I was at His mercy. I couldn’t turn the pumpkin into a carriage for myself.
And, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed where this is heading . . the pumpkin didn’t turn.
I didn’t get the job.
I didn’t get to move.
I didn’t get to join the church.
I didn’t get to belong to the small group.
I didn’t get the imaginary husband there I’d hoped I’d meet.
And I didn’t get the the second chance at youth, the new start, or the exhilarating ballroom entrance that I was longing for.
(And I didn’t understand.)
Ever been there?
I knew I didn’t have one iota of reason to complain against God, not could there be any merit in disappointment towards Him. This is not to say I didn’t feel a bit embittered about His decision anyway, but I knew I wasn’t right to do so. I wasn’t sure if I was being punished for past mistakes or present lack of faith, but I knew I was not getting what I was desiring.
Though my memory’s often not very good, I think it was one year and one month after that trip that God prompted me to start the first small group Bible study in my mom’s home in Missouri, and I had one of the sweetest fellowship times of my life. Through that and the following seasons of sessions, I made dear, lifelong friends.
I’d guess at about two years and one month after the pumpkin I picked did not turn into a carriage, I took a mission trip to Guatemala. On that mission trip, I met a little girl I sponsor named Helen. And on that trip, I met Ben–Ben, not from the sunny south, but Ben from the chilly northeast. 🙂
Though I would have never picked a Pennsylvanian winter for myself, the Christmas Eve the snowflakes that fell in our hair in the park, and when we knelt in the sanctuary of Ben’s church and prayed together . . that was better, yes, much better, than all the Vitamin D the Equator has to offer.
Walking into a room full of people waiting to surprise me for my 30th birthday, and coming to terms with the reality that, although my youth is fleeting, God’s still beside me every step of the way . . that was better, yes, much better than the plans I’d made for myself to *stay young*.
Finding a church, trying out for the drama team, joining a loving Sunday school class with an enthusiastic and wise teacher, teaching children’s Sunday school, and becoming a mentor at my Pregnancy Care Center . . better, yes, much better than what I’d dreamed up back in my lonely days.
And today, today . . the delight of teaching learning-hungry first-graders . . the other first-grade teacher showing me how to make my first first grade class book with the spiral binding device . . sharing stories with my friends at the Pregnancy Care Center . . helping a client find resources in our community to help throughout her pregnancy . . heading out to meet Ben at a nature park nearby . . finding him around the corner of the park building, reading Colossians out loud, picnic dinner all ready. . sitting down on the silky picnic blanket my aunt bought me for my birthday . . Ben serving cheese sandwiches and the last chocolates from a celebration several months back . . watching the beautiful almost-dusk pink and purple and–if my eyes don’t fail me–even green in the sky . . hot chocolate with a creamy heart at the coffee shop after. . reading a joke from Mom on facebook . . working on wedding invitations and thank-you cards from my birthday party . . writing this blog and feeling ready to cozy-down for sleep . .
Yes, God, yes. Your dreams are so much bigger than mine. I’ll take Your carriages over my pumpkins any day. I close my mouth in recognition that, in the joys and the sorrows, You are working out desires I can’t even fathom, desires that come from delight in You.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4, NIV)